When will you call? When my body is cold in the ground, or as I take my last breath? It's dark and lonely in this place, my thoughts shout and echo whisper and sneer, you're a burden no one wants you here. When will you call? I have a knife in my hand, the end is near. I see the social media posts, telling me you are there, but a phone call away, you are waiting for me to call in for tea. When will you call? you say you love me, but I don't believe you. I will not call you, I cannot call anyone, for this depression, the darkness, the blackness that holds me captive will not allow me that solace, it tells me over and over that I am not good enough not worthy of your love of time in your busy life. When will you call? Knock on my door? Do you know it could save me?
I am watching you
and everything you do
keeping careful note
of the way you move,
the clothes you wear
the way you do your hair
which colours you favour
the foods you choose
pretending I love you
that I’m in awe of you
you lap up each compliment
growing more trusting
and vulnerable with
every passing day
unaware that I am building
an ammunition store
I’ll use your trust and secrets
to diminish you, crush you
for I fear you, your strength,
generosity and ability to love
and that which scares me
must be destroyed.
crashing through my brain,
never stops,
round the clock,
always on the move.
Casual passengers
fight for space,
worries and fears
compete for seats,
Each breath seems
to shout out
all aboard, all aboard,
come keep me awake.
The night and dark,
welcomes each new thought.
Images flit and flee,
never staying within grasp.
Encouraging a chase,
to understand, to see
what they mean.
Only the dawning sun,
and beeping alarm,
see them on their way,
these night-time passengers
in the dark will stay.
crashing through my brain,
never stops,
round the clock,
always on the move.
Casual passengers
fight for space,
worries and fears
compete for seats,
Each breath seems
to shout out
all aboard, all aboard,
come keep me awake.
The night and dark,
welcomes each new thought.
Images flit and flee,
never staying within grasp.
Encouraging a chase,
to understand, to see
what they mean.
Only the dawning sun,
and beeping alarm,
see them on their way,
these night-time passengers
in the dark will stay.
©Niamh Corcoran 25/11/2011
the darkness beckons,
threatens to consume me,
the gossamer thread that
holds me here stretched
to its limits.
the future a flickering
pinprick,
there is comfort in the dark
an ease, a knowing, an ending,
today I may slip into
into its waiting arms
sever the links
to a life too hard
©Niamh Corcoran
Stay and hold me
so I can feel
your breath
cool on my cheek
your heartbeat
close to mine
the steadiness
of your feet
on the earth
if you let me go
or take your eyes
off me for a second
I am afraid
the wind of life
will seize me
in a frenzied whirl
and I may never
find my way home.
©Niamh Corcoran
Niamh 